Lack of Assertiveness: How to be More Assertive (In a relationship)

An assertive person is a confident person. Usually, people that lack assertion, lack confidence as well. Check the best solutions for improving your confidence.

If you are not used to being assertive, it might be necessary for you to remind yourself not to give in. Whenever your assertiveness is about to be tested, think encouraging thoughts and remind yourself to stand your ground. Think of yourself as a Spartan warrior: No retreat, no surrender. Seriously, it helps.

Do not yell or scream. That's not assertive, that's aggressive. Maintain a calm and confident voice. If that's not your strong suit, practice in front of a mirror.

Whatever the issue is, always try to resolve things in a calm and resolute manner. Don't attack or insult. Try to find a solution which will work for everyone.

When someone is talking to you, look them in the eyes (but don't make it weird; every now and then look at something else) and let them know you are hearing what they are saying. If you like what they are saying, smile, if not, frown. That will let them know that you are paying attention and the way you feel about a certain subject.

Try to remember how you acted in a situation where you should have been assertive, but you weren't. What were you feeling? What was your verbal and non-verbal communication? What exactly prevented you from being assertive?  Find answers to those questions will make it easier for you to be assertive next time.

For every situation in which you usually give in, think of a more assertive reaction. Think of some of the times people walked all over you and try to prepare an appropriate response next time a similar situation occurs. It's easier to be assertive when you already have a prepared answer. Just make sure you stick to it.

This will allow you to observe your non-verbal communication and adjust it accordingly. It will also make you more relaxed in real situations as it won't feel weird or unusual for you. It takes some time to get accustomed to your own assertiveness.

If there are some childhood issues or some other kinds of issues you can't resolve on your own, consider talking to an expert that could help you identify and resolve your problems.

Watch this video that explains how to be more assertive:

It's not always easy being honest with family, friends or colleagues. But lying to them about how you feel or make them think you approve everything they do will ultimately make you miserable (if it hasn't already). You don't have to overdo it and hurt their feelings. Just be honest enough for them to realize you are not okay with certain behavior or situation.

If you are about to clear some issues you are having with a certain person, it will help if you start with something that's not hostile in any way. Acknowledge this person's thoughts and feelings or say something positive about their looks or personality. It will loosen them up and they will be more receptive to what you have to say.

Don't think your partner can read your thoughts. If you want something, say so. Make it clear what movie you want to watch, what kind of vacation you'd like to have, etc. Don't be silent and hope that your partner will pick the choice you like.

When you are talking, let people know you are not okay with interruptions. Whether it is your partner, friend or a colleague, don't let them stop you from finishing your sentence. Every time they interrupt you, politely point out that you are not finished.

Never apologize for something you didn't do or for the way you feel. You have every right to feel any way you want.  Expressing your feelings is an important part of a healthy communication and you should not be sorry for it.

When expressing your thoughts, feelings, and desires to your partner, don't hesitate to repeat what you said if he/she is not responding. Maybe your partner didn't hear you, or maybe he/she is intentionally ignoring you. Repeat it either way. However, if your partner constantly ignores what you have to say, you might want to reconsider your relationship with him/her. You should not be forced to repeat everything you say all the time.

There are lots of things in a relationship partners should discuss together. But if you have to ask your partner about every single change you want to make, that's not healthy. Don't let your partner decide what kind of a haircut, clothes or shoes should you have, what kind of car should you drive, or what job should you have (if any). Those are your decisions and no one else's.

There are many books on the topic of assertiveness. This is one of the most popular:

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Being assertive is about sticking up for yourself, standing your ground, not allowing people to walk over you. Being aggressive means verbally or physically abusing others and disrespecting their thoughts and feelings. For you to be assertive, you don't have to be rude or impolite. Sometimes, there's a thin line, but with a little practice, you'll learn not to cross it while still getting what you want.

If your partner is aggressive or insulting toward you, let him/her know that such behavior will not be tolerated. Think twice before you forgive an act of verbal or physical violence. If you forgive too easily, your partner will likely do it again, know that he/she can get away with it.