Lack of Assertiveness: How to be More Assertive (At work)

An assertive person is a confident person. Usually, people that lack assertion, lack confidence as well. Check the best solutions for improving your confidence.

If you are not used to being assertive, it might be necessary for you to remind yourself not to give in. Whenever your assertiveness is about to be tested, think encouraging thoughts and remind yourself to stand your ground. Think of yourself as a Spartan warrior: No retreat, no surrender. Seriously, it helps.

Helping others is one thing. But constantly doing things for others, things you do not want to do, is a problem. Do not let people take advantage of you. Whenever someone asks you to do something for him/her, don't immediately say "yes". Take a deep breath and try to determine if this really is something this person can't do on her/his own. If it's not, politely decline.

If you have a friend or a co-worker who has the kind of assertiveness you'd like to possess, observe them and try to figure out what exactly are they doing while being assertive and getting what they want.

If you are just starting to build your assertiveness, don't get into conflicts about everything. Ease into it and gradually raise your assertiveness. Otherwise, you might get tired of it too soon and fall back to your usual shy behavior.

Do not yell or scream. That's not assertive, that's aggressive. Maintain a calm and confident voice. If that's not your strong suit, practice in front of a mirror.

Whatever the issue is, always try to resolve things in a calm and resolute manner. Don't attack or insult. Try to find a solution which will work for everyone.

When someone is talking to you, look them in the eyes (but don't make it weird; every now and then look at something else) and let them know you are hearing what they are saying. If you like what they are saying, smile, if not, frown. That will let them know that you are paying attention and the way you feel about a certain subject.

Don't have arms crossed or stand in any way that would make you look hostile. Also, don't slouch or be flabby. Stand up straight and look like you're ready to face whatever is coming.

Try to remember how you acted in a situation where you should have been assertive, but you weren't. What were you feeling? What was your verbal and non-verbal communication? What exactly prevented you from being assertive?  Find answers to those questions will make it easier for you to be assertive next time.

For every situation in which you usually give in, think of a more assertive reaction. Think of some of the times people walked all over you and try to prepare an appropriate response next time a similar situation occurs. It's easier to be assertive when you already have a prepared answer. Just make sure you stick to it.

This will allow you to observe your non-verbal communication and adjust it accordingly. It will also make you more relaxed in real situations as it won't feel weird or unusual for you. It takes some time to get accustomed to your own assertiveness.

When it comes to boundaries, every person is different. Some people prefer a considerable distance (both physically and emotionally) while some people like to be as close as possible to everyone else. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. Whatever your boundaries are, be adamant about them. Let people know what you like or dislike while interacting with others. If someone gets into your personal space, touches you or talks to you in a manner you strongly dislike, be sure to say it loud and clear. This applies to intellectual and emotional boundaries as well.

Unfortunately, most people will judge you based on how you look. If you walk around in dirty, torn clothes, or look like a mad scientist, people won't take you seriously. And when people don't take you seriously, it's really hard to be assertive and get what you want. Work on your appearance and take yourself seriously. Being assertive comes much easier and more natural when people think highly of you.

If there are some childhood issues or some other kinds of issues you can't resolve on your own, consider talking to an expert that could help you identify and resolve your problems.

Watch this video that explains how to be more assertive:

It's not always easy being honest with family, friends or colleagues. But lying to them about how you feel or make them think you approve everything they do will ultimately make you miserable (if it hasn't already). You don't have to overdo it and hurt their feelings. Just be honest enough for them to realize you are not okay with certain behavior or situation.

If you are about to clear some issues you are having with a certain person, it will help if you start with something that's not hostile in any way. Acknowledge this person's thoughts and feelings or say something positive about their looks or personality. It will loosen them up and they will be more receptive to what you have to say.

When you are talking, let people know you are not okay with interruptions. Whether it is your partner, friend or a colleague, don't let them stop you from finishing your sentence. Every time they interrupt you, politely point out that you are not finished.

There are many books on the topic of assertiveness. This is one of the most popular:

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Being assertive is about sticking up for yourself, standing your ground, not allowing people to walk over you. Being aggressive means verbally or physically abusing others and disrespecting their thoughts and feelings. For you to be assertive, you don't have to be rude or impolite. Sometimes, there's a thin line, but with a little practice, you'll learn not to cross it while still getting what you want.

If you have a chance to voice your opinion about a certain project, don't miss it. Speak your mind if you think you have something valuable to say. Also, if you notice a mistake in a certain project, don't be afraid to point it out.

Whatever it is that you need for your job, but don't have, politely ask your boss or whoever is in charge of it. If you don't ask, you won't get it. Also, if you were promised certain resources for your work but didn't get them, don't sulk quietly and hope for the best. Remind the person in charge that you didn't get the stuff you were promised and ask him/her when can you expect it? If necessary, repeat it multiple times.

When talking to your boss or your colleagues about something, prepare upfront what are you going to say. Rambling incoherently or going off topic will definitely not be seen as being assertive. Besides, your boss or colleagues might lose their focus and completely ignore what you are saying.

If you are an introvert and don't like arguing with people, or maybe you don't like people at all, be assertive through your work. If you excel at what you do, your boss sees will think highly of you, even if you are not the loudest person in the office.

Constantly apologizing when, objectively, it's not needed, not only annoys other people, but it also makes you look weak and give the others an impression they can treat you however they feel like. Before apologizing to anyone about anything, make sure you actually did something wrong.

Being selfless is a wonderful quality. But if you keep putting other people needs in front of yours all the time while they are treating you like dirt, you will be unhappy (if you aren't already) and miserable. Your goals and feelings are important too. So put yourself in the first place from time to time. You deserve it.

Sometimes, it takes courage to speak what's on your mind. But, you will gain more respect if you tell your true opinion about something, rather than lying about it or trying to sugar coat it. Your boss or colleague will appreciate it, especially if your opinion helps them improve their work efficiency.