Lack of Assertiveness: How to be More Assertive

An assertive person is a confident person. Usually, people that lack assertion, lack confidence as well. Check the best solutions for improving your confidence.

If you are not used to being assertive, it might be necessary for you to remind yourself not to give in. Whenever your assertiveness is about to be tested, think encouraging thoughts and remind yourself to stand your ground. Think of yourself as a Spartan warrior: No retreat, no surrender. Seriously, it helps.

Helping others is one thing. But constantly doing things for others, things you do not want to do, is a problem. Do not let people take advantage of you. Whenever someone asks you to do something for him/her, don't immediately say "yes". Take a deep breath and try to determine if this really is something this person can't do on her/his own. If it's not, politely decline.

If you have a friend or a co-worker who has the kind of assertiveness you'd like to possess, observe them and try to figure out what exactly are they doing while being assertive and getting what they want.

If you are just starting to build your assertiveness, don't get into conflicts about everything. Ease into it and gradually raise your assertiveness. Otherwise, you might get tired of it too soon and fall back to your usual shy behavior.

When you are deciding where to go out, what movie to watch, etc., don't ask everyone else what they want every single time. Every now and then say what you want first so your friends know how you feel.

Do not yell or scream. That's not assertive, that's aggressive. Maintain a calm and confident voice. If that's not your strong suit, practice in front of a mirror.

Whatever the issue is, always try to resolve things in a calm and resolute manner. Don't attack or insult. Try to find a solution which will work for everyone.

When someone is talking to you, look them in the eyes (but don't make it weird; every now and then look at something else) and let them know you are hearing what they are saying. If you like what they are saying, smile, if not, frown. That will let them know that you are paying attention and the way you feel about a certain subject.

Don't have arms crossed or stand in any way that would make you look hostile. Also, don't slouch or be flabby. Stand up straight and look like you're ready to face whatever is coming.

Try to remember how you acted in a situation where you should have been assertive, but you weren't. What were you feeling? What was your verbal and non-verbal communication? What exactly prevented you from being assertive?  Find answers to those questions will make it easier for you to be assertive next time.

For every situation in which you usually give in, think of a more assertive reaction. Think of some of the times people walked all over you and try to prepare an appropriate response next time a similar situation occurs. It's easier to be assertive when you already have a prepared answer. Just make sure you stick to it.

This will allow you to observe your non-verbal communication and adjust it accordingly. It will also make you more relaxed in real situations as it won't feel weird or unusual for you. It takes some time to get accustomed to your own assertiveness.

When it comes to boundaries, every person is different. Some people prefer a considerable distance (both physically and emotionally) while some people like to be as close as possible to everyone else. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. Whatever your boundaries are, be adamant about them. Let people know what you like or dislike while interacting with others. If someone gets into your personal space, touches you or talks to you in a manner you strongly dislike, be sure to say it loud and clear. This applies to intellectual and emotional boundaries as well.

Unfortunately, most people will judge you based on how you look. If you walk around in dirty, torn clothes, or look like a mad scientist, people won't take you seriously. And when people don't take you seriously, it's really hard to be assertive and get what you want. Work on your appearance and take yourself seriously. Being assertive comes much easier and more natural when people think highly of you.

If there are some childhood issues or some other kinds of issues you can't resolve on your own, consider talking to an expert that could help you identify and resolve your problems.

Watch this video that explains how to be more assertive:

It's not always easy being honest with family, friends or colleagues. But lying to them about how you feel or make them think you approve everything they do will ultimately make you miserable (if it hasn't already). You don't have to overdo it and hurt their feelings. Just be honest enough for them to realize you are not okay with certain behavior or situation.

If you are about to clear some issues you are having with a certain person, it will help if you start with something that's not hostile in any way. Acknowledge this person's thoughts and feelings or say something positive about their looks or personality. It will loosen them up and they will be more receptive to what you have to say.

Don't think your partner can read your thoughts. If you want something, say so. Make it clear what movie you want to watch, what kind of vacation you'd like to have, etc. Don't be silent and hope that your partner will pick the choice you like.

When you are talking, let people know you are not okay with interruptions. Whether it is your partner, friend or a colleague, don't let them stop you from finishing your sentence. Every time they interrupt you, politely point out that you are not finished.

Never apologize for something you didn't do or for the way you feel. You have every right to feel any way you want.  Expressing your feelings is an important part of a healthy communication and you should not be sorry for it.

When expressing your thoughts, feelings, and desires to your partner, don't hesitate to repeat what you said if he/she is not responding. Maybe your partner didn't hear you, or maybe he/she is intentionally ignoring you. Repeat it either way. However, if your partner constantly ignores what you have to say, you might want to reconsider your relationship with him/her. You should not be forced to repeat everything you say all the time.

There are lots of things in a relationship partners should discuss together. But if you have to ask your partner about every single change you want to make, that's not healthy. Don't let your partner decide what kind of a haircut, clothes or shoes should you have, what kind of car should you drive, or what job should you have (if any). Those are your decisions and no one else's.

There are many books on the topic of assertiveness. This is one of the most popular:

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Being assertive is about sticking up for yourself, standing your ground, not allowing people to walk over you. Being aggressive means verbally or physically abusing others and disrespecting their thoughts and feelings. For you to be assertive, you don't have to be rude or impolite. Sometimes, there's a thin line, but with a little practice, you'll learn not to cross it while still getting what you want.

If your partner is aggressive or insulting toward you, let him/her know that such behavior will not be tolerated. Think twice before you forgive an act of verbal or physical violence. If you forgive too easily, your partner will likely do it again, know that he/she can get away with it.

If you have a chance to voice your opinion about a certain project, don't miss it. Speak your mind if you think you have something valuable to say. Also, if you notice a mistake in a certain project, don't be afraid to point it out.

Whatever it is that you need for your job, but don't have, politely ask your boss or whoever is in charge of it. If you don't ask, you won't get it. Also, if you were promised certain resources for your work but didn't get them, don't sulk quietly and hope for the best. Remind the person in charge that you didn't get the stuff you were promised and ask him/her when can you expect it? If necessary, repeat it multiple times.

When talking to your boss or your colleagues about something, prepare upfront what are you going to say. Rambling incoherently or going off topic will definitely not be seen as being assertive. Besides, your boss or colleagues might lose their focus and completely ignore what you are saying.

If you are an introvert and don't like arguing with people, or maybe you don't like people at all, be assertive through your work. If you excel at what you do, your boss sees will think highly of you, even if you are not the loudest person in the office.

Constantly apologizing when, objectively, it's not needed, not only annoys other people, but it also makes you look weak and give the others an impression they can treat you however they feel like. Before apologizing to anyone about anything, make sure you actually did something wrong.

Being selfless is a wonderful quality. But if you keep putting other people needs in front of yours all the time while they are treating you like dirt, you will be unhappy (if you aren't already) and miserable. Your goals and feelings are important too. So put yourself in the first place from time to time. You deserve it.

Sometimes, it takes courage to speak what's on your mind. But, you will gain more respect if you tell your true opinion about something, rather than lying about it or trying to sugar coat it. Your boss or colleague will appreciate it, especially if your opinion helps them improve their work efficiency.

Communicate with your partner about your sexual preferences. Don't expect him/her to guess what you like or don't like. Encourage your partner to do the same. Only then can you both enjoy sex.

There's nothing worse than noticing how your partner is just lying there and going through the motions. Don't be like that. Show some initiative and get really into it. Show a little aggressiveness. Of course, only if your partner likes that.

Get creative You don't always have to have sex in bed, at 10 or 11 PM, in the same position you did it the last 200 times. Try to add some more spice to your sex life by trying new positions, using sex toys or playing out fantasies.

Show your potential employer that you are genuinely interested in this job. Ask about your responsibilities, company's short-term and long-term plans, etc. It will show your potential employer that you want to fit in and do your best for the company.

Don't be afraid to talk with your potential employer about possible projects or problem you might encounter. Let him/her know in what ways you would tackle them and what can you bring to this company.

A job interview is not the time to be humble. You don't have to brag or lie about your achievements, but feel free to state what you have done for your previous employers, what projects have you been working on, and what exactly did you do to make projects successful. If you worked with a team, give your team credit as well.

Think of all the possible questions your potential employer might ask you and prepare an intelligent and confident answer. Learn about the company and about the position you are applying for.

An assertive person can speak freely about his/her flaws and is not afraid of admitting lack of knowledge or experience in certain areas. Your potential employer will know you are dishonest if you keep saying that you excel in everything there is.

Looking like a deer in front of headlights certainly won't help you land that dream job you are hoping for. Answering questions with only "yes" or "no" is another sure way that your potential will not consider you for the position. Practice with a friend or a family member to get rid of any fear or anxiety you might have.

Parents should be clear about what is allowed and what isn't and teach their kids to respect that. No matter what the situation is, those boundaries should not be crossed. Otherwise, you lose authority.

Kids need leadership and authority. Someone who will teach them how to grow up to be a decent person. If they start seeing you as a friend, rather than a parent, you might lose your role as a leader and with it any authority, which will make raising your kid more difficult than it has to be.

If you feel your kid is asking for something that's unrealistic, too expensive, or simply out of your reach in any way, it's okay to say "no". You don't have to apologize about it but it would be okay to explain to your kid why is your answer "no".